|
For some, the experience of loneliness can be extended and debilitating.
It can have a negative effect on academic performance and
on personal growth and development. Still, loneliness
is a normal experience that people can learn to cope with constructively
and effectively.
Loneliness is not the same as Being Alone
We can experience loneliness even when we are around many people.
Loneliness is a painful emotional feeling of being disconnected,
cut off, or isolated from the rest of our world. It
is a feeling that something is missing from our lives.
What Causes Me to Feel Lonely?
Almost everyone experiences loneliness at some time in his or her life.
There are many factors that contribute to feeling lonely.
Making a major life change such as leaving home to go to college,
ending a relationship, changing jobs, or moving to a new
geographical location can put a person in a position to experience
loneliness. When we are separated from familiar people and places,
we often feel disconnected, like we don't belong, for a time.
Usually, as we meet people and become familiar with places, the
feeling
subsides fairly quickly.
Some people fell disconnected or left out because they don't know how to
approach or contact others socially. Many fear
being rejected so they don't attempt to make friends or develop
relationships.
The real culprit though is how we interpret being separated or alone.
Intense feelings of loneliness are generally accomplished
by thoughts like "I don't have lots of friends because I'm not really
worthy of them." or " I'm not interesting enough to be noticed."
People with low self-esteem often believe that others would not be
interested in knowing them and that there loneliness is evidence
of their weakness as a person.
How does loneliness affect people?
People experiencing loneliness often feel
depressed, anxious, and/or angry. Some may experience physical symptoms
such as
headaches, stomach pain, and reduced energy. They are
often overly self-critical and self-absorbed in their unhappiness.
A
primary problem with loneliness is that when people experience it, they
often engage in defensive behaviors that may provide
some immediate relief from the pain, but in the long run perpetuate the
feelings of loneliness. For example, some people who
feel
lonely withdraw from many of their existing social contacts or from
opportunities for contacts with others because they fear rejection.
They retreat to the security of their home after school or work
and narrow their activities to reading, watching television, or hobbies
they can do alone. While learning to spend enjoyable
time alone is important and helpful, avoiding social engagement is
counterproductive.
Others compensate for their feelings of loneliness by over activity. By
working long hours, immersing themselves in activities, or
occupying themselves with another types of constant activity, they avoid
the painful feelings that loneliness can bring. Still others
unintentionally sabotage their relationship by exhibiting overly
possessive, clinging, depended behavior. Some attempt to anesthetize
themselves with food or haram activities.
All of these behaviors are self-defeating because, while they may
provide immediate emotional relief, they tend to confirm the lonely
person's irrational self-beliefs about not being worthy of others'
friendship or companionship.
Overcoming Loneliness
There will be times in all of our lives when our life situation may
result in us being alone or separated from familiar people
and places and from our support systems. We will all
feel disconnected from time to time. When you
experience one of
these times, there are a number of constructive steps you can tale to
cope effectively with loneliness. Here are a few
suggestions:
-
Challenge the reality of your pessimistic or
negative thought. Much of what we experience as
loneliness comes from irrational
interpretations of our current life situations. You may not
even be aware of negative thoughts about yourself, so the first step
is to try to identify negative self-thoughts you may be having about
your current life situation. Then look for contrary
evidence
to your irrational thoughts (e.g. you've had friends before, you've been
in a good relationship, you've had positive working
relationships, etc.) It's almost always there.
-
Take advantage of this particular time in your
life to do some things you want to do for yourself.
This is probably a time when
you have fewer time commitments and obligations to others, so enjoy it!
You can do more of what you want to do, when you want to do it.
-
This is a good time to focus on you and learn
more about yourself. Take time to develop personal
interests that you may not
have had time for before.
-
Get involved in activities that are interesting
to you and that will put you in a position to meet, work, and
socialize with others.
Getting involved in the masjid, volunteering in an Islamic
organization, going to a sister's lessons, or working for a cause
you
believe in will help you to meet people with similar interests and values.
-
Try a new recreational activity. Exercise and
physical activity will increase your energy and help you to feel
better about yourself.
-
Work on developing relationships with others.
Avoid impulsive, desperate and "clingy" behaviors that tend
to drive others away.
-
Work on your listening and communication skills.
Ask others about themselves and seek their opinions. Listen
attentively and actively.
-
Present a positive self-image. Greet others with
a friendly smile, a strong handshake, and direct eye contact in a n
assertive manner.
Let others know from your body language that you welcome their
communication with you. People who act shy or timid
are often
avoided by others who fear being too intrusive or overpowering.
-
If loneliness seems overwhelming, seek help from
a Muslim counselor or physician.
Remember
Loneliness is a common experience that can be overcome.
Much of the emotional pain we experience as loneliness
comes from our negative interpretation of our current life situation.
To overcome loneliness, take positive, rather than
defensive action. Avoid withdrawing. Challenge your irrational
self-thoughts, take time to develop personal interests and
self-awareness, and seek contacts with others through a wide range of
school, work, personal, and social contacts.
Maintain a balance involvement and enjoying your time alone.
And remember, verily with the remembrance of Allah do hearts find ease.
|